Life After 1: Trash Talkin'
by BuffyAngel68
Summary: In the summer after 'The Gift', Giles is in a severe downward spiral. When an unlikely savior rides to the rescue, will he accept the help he so desperately needs?
1. Chapter 1

Title: LIFE AFTER:- Trash Talkin'- An album fic based on selections from Alice Cooper's "Trash" album

e-mail:

Rating: Definite NC-17. m/m Giles/Spike. No strong violence to speak of, but hot and heavy bedroom stuff and a few very bad words. Don't approve, move on.

Warnings: Serious AU, Angst, Romance, First Time. Spoilers only for "The Gift", end epi. of last WB season.

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns these guys, not me. The music rights are Alice's. (Love that snake!)Yada-Yada-Yada- not making money- will return them in a much happier state than I found them, emotionally and otherwise.

Timeline : Summer between " The Gift" and 2OO1 season start.

A.N. : Most of canon Season six was truly a downer, so I'm determined to make it better. Not that there won't be angst and conflict, just not as much as Joss felt the need for. Also I had a desperate itch to see Giles have someone to care about him, and I have a down-in-my-guts love for Alice Cooper. Story came first, music seemed to fit right in. Lyrics that are more Spike are starred at beginning and end. More Giles, they get a percent sign. You'll get the hang of it.

In his dreams, she was still there, still lithe and vital and strong. In his dreams, she told him it was alright, that it had been her decision to go. In his dreams, she forgave his betrayal, assuaged the guilt that constantly threatened to consume him, whether he was awake or asleep. He never spoke to her, couldn't manage it, wouldn't accept her words as truth...

%I can't find your face in a thousand masqueraders you're hidden in the colors of a million other lost charaders In life's big parade, I'm the loneliest spectator 'Cause you're gone without a trace, in a sea of faceless imitators...%

He slept only because his body forced him to. He slept when he could no longer fight it off... he'd begun to think of his days as purgatory, and sleep as his passageway to hell...

%I can't take another night... livin' inside this Hell is living without your love ain't nothin without your touch me, heaven would be like hell is living without you...%

The others, lost in their own grief, had left him to his after the first few days, seeing that he wanted no consolation, or at least would not find it in them. Once they'd all gone, he'd taken to bed, but quickly found sleep was not without risks. His first attempts to drown out his dark thoughts had involved copious amounts of alcohol and had only left him with a series of hangovers crushing down on top of his other miseries.

For the first time in his life, books had been no comfort and the thought of food left him nauseated. He had been reduced to playing his favorite hard rock and heavy metal CD's, tapes and albums over and over, praying the soul-deep sadness he could not seem to shake would just float away into the ethers with the music.

Even when he managed to find a little breathing room away from the heartache, another issue, which he'd been refusing to deal with for months before Dawn had even shown up in Sunnydale, reared it's ugly head and filled the gap without an inch to spare. Stumbling in a fog composed of fatigue and hopelessness, he found himself headed for the downstairs bathroom, and whatever oblivion he might discover in the medicine cabinet...

and then the doorbell rang.

"Rupert? You 'ere? Hey! You home? Answer the damn door and lemme in already!"

The interruption to his mission had driven its purpose from his sleep deprived mind, so, slightly confused and mildly angry, Rupert Giles shuffled to the door, unlocked and opened it and almost shut it again immediately in the face of his visitor.

"Hey!" Spike retorted, preventing the door from shutting completely. "Not feeling rude today, are we?" he continued sarcastically.

"Go away, Spike. I'm not in anything like a mood for dealing with you right now..." he responded weakly, trying again to shut the door, but having no more success than the first time.

"Look! Cut that out, now! I came to ask a favor, but... I can see you're still hurtin' quite a bit, so..."

"Hurting? The man with the dead heart... now presumes to know the level of my pain. You... you tell fine jokes, Spike. You should go on stage..." Giles mumbled, turning away and moving back into the room. "Come in, if you feel you must... then ask your favor and get out."

Distinctly uncomfortable with the state the apartment seemed to be in, and concerned with Giles' behavior, Spike moved past the threshold, but no farther.

"Right. Well... it's this way, see. I have to travel for a few days an' lil' bit asked if she could stay here while I'm gone. I told her I'd see what you had t'say. Now I 'ave... I'll go elsewhere. Sorry to intrude."

"Wait just a damn minute! What is that supposed to mean?"

"You don't even have a care for yourself right now, Rupert. Can't trust ya t'care fer lil' bit, can I? G'night."

"Spike!"

"Look, no arguin' about it okay? The place is a bleedin' wreck... and so are you. Ring me up when you get yourself back together."

"You never loved her."

The words struck Spike's ears like his namesake weapon. Suddenly furious, he vamped, spun and rushed Giles, driving him backwards into the nearest convenient wall.

"I'll kill you for that. No guilt, no remorse. I will just fuckin' kill you..."

"Please..."

"Beggin' never did cut any slack with me. Just made me more pissed off..."

"No. Please kill me..."

Shocked, Spike backed off, his fury gone, replaced by anxiety.

"Damn. What the hell are... do you even know what you're sayin'? Shit, I don't think you do. Look, Giles..."

Without warning, Giles leapt forward and attacked Spike, though his weakness left him little to fight with. Spike merely grabbed his wrists and held him off.

"Kill me, damn you! Kill me..."

"Stop this, now. I'm not doin' any such thing. We're all in pain, Rupert. You're not the only one who wanted to..."

Still struggling with Giles, Spike censored himself, understanding that if he returned to his own dark places he'd be back where Rupert was now in less than a minute, perhaps not even that long. Suddenly seeing his sorrow mirrored, however briefly, in Spike's eyes, Giles went still. His weeks long depression cracked, then shattered and began to fall away in the face of another's anguish for Buffy.

"Spike? Lord... I'm sorry. I don't know..."

Gazing around the room, he grimaced at the sight. "Where have I been and for how long?"

"You been grieving, man, like we all have. No shame in it. You bein' a perfectionist an' all... I guess you just felt like doin' it till ya got it right."

"Yes. Perhaps. This can't be my apartment... it's a federal disaster area..."

"Kinda, but it can be fixed. You get upstairs and hit the mattress. I'll see what I can do 'bout this."

"No. It's my pigpen. I should do it myself..."

"You... couldn't pick up a used tissue." he joked gently, turning Giles and pushing him toward the stairs. "Go. I'll call Dawnie and let her know I'll be here for a while. Come down when ya wake up an' I'll fix ya somethin' t'eat if you're up for it."

Reluctantly, Giles went, feeling that maybe he would sleep peacefully for once. Halfway up the stairs, he turned to watch Spike replace the phone, move into the kitchen and return with a large trash bag into which he began to stuff some of the many empty liquor bottles that lay strewn around the room.

When he awoke the following morning, Giles stretched his neck a little to see the bedside clock and discovered it was already ten-thirty. Rising slowly, he drew his favorite cotton robe toward him, then changed his mind and decided he felt like actually wearing clothes. For the first time in several days he grabbed a towel and headed for the shower. As the water sluiced over him he could almost feel the last flakes of his self-imposed cocoon of isolation and wretchedness leave him.

Moving back to his room, he pulled on a simple polo shirt and a comfortable pair of jeans, stepped into a pair of loafers and made his way downstairs and into the kitchen for his toast and tea, only to find it already hot and waiting for him and Spike just finishing the dishes.

"I didn't expect you to still be here. Who's watching Dawn?"

"Lil' bit's pretty used t'me bein' out nights. I called to be sure she didn't need nothin' urgently. Says she's fine an' she understood you havin' the more pressin' need. How're you doin'?"

"Better. Much better. I... I want to thank you, but that doesn't seem like enough somehow."

"No need. She'd expect no less of me."

"Dawn?"

"Buffy."

"Yes. Spike. Did you notice anything strange about our little... fight last evening?"

"No. Why? Did you?"

"Yes, actually. You drove me into the wall quite hard... but you didn't feel any pain in the bargain."

Turning from the sink to face Giles, Spike's expression clearly showed his astonishment.

"Cor, you're right. Well, well and well. Happy birthday to me. Think it, like... broke?"

"More likely it shorted out when... that night. A sudden burst of intense emotion, too much electrical energy floating around the brain... zap."

"Yeah. Zap. I like that." Spike repeated, chuckling low.

"Yes. You have changed your mind about Dawn I hope. A mild concussion and fifteen hours of sleep have served me well I think."

" 'Course I have. Told her this mornin' you were back with the livin' and she could come here after the shop. She's been hangin' round there most days... just to be with familiar faces, ya know. Keeps her..."

"From doing what I did? It's alright. I understand. I got lost, but you dragged me back onto the path. I'll be alright now." Giles told him, rising to walk him out to the front door.

"Someone had to, watcher-boy. If I read you right, you were on the edge of doin' somethin' fairly stupid when I showed up."

"Perhaps. I don't remember all that much."

"Judgin' by the number a'vodka and Glenfiddich bottles I dustbinned, I'm not surprised. You take care a'yourself, and keep both eyes on Dawnie. No more a'that."

"No. Have a good trip, William."

Almost out the door, for the second time in two days, Spike whipped back around to glare at Giles, fury in his eyes.

"That... is not my name. Use it again, an' I'll bleed you dry. Got me?"

"I... I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you are. You and all your kind."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me fine. Do what I told you."

"What you told me? I have a mother back in England, thank you very much, and I am noone's slave! Why do you do this? You're perfectly fine one minute, the next you're a... a sullen, sniping child. I shall never understand you..."

As had happened the day before, in his anger Spike allowed his demon to surface once again. This time, he rocked back and forth, heel to toe on both feet, hands clenching and relaxing, as if trying to maintain control, but it lasted only a minute. In a flash of motion, Giles was once again pinned to a wall, held there by two inhumanly strong hands on his shoulders and a vampire two inches from his face.

"I may not be your mum, watcher-boy... but I can be your master... as easy as this." he growled, switching his grip swiftly to the watchers' throat. "See... what you need to understand... is that you human feebs are the lowest form of life on the planet... and that Dawnie... is the only one left out of your entire, worthless race of worms... I'd ever raise a fingernail to save again!"

"Don't do this... gahhhh... I don't want this an... anymore..."

"I do. I should have done this the day we met. I'm not gonna kill you, sweets... just... change your life. Or should I say unlife..."

"No! God, no..."

His panic rising uncontrollably, Giles squeezed his eyes shut and tried to prepare himself for the pain about to be visited on him. The only injury he received, however, was a slightly worse headache than he already had as Spike shoved his head into the wall, releasing his victim and moving away to stalk the living room.

"Bloody... I've waited all this time, waitin' to be able to drain off a skinbag 'stead of a plastic one... Now it's right under my claws... no pain to punish me, and I still can't feed! Grahhhhh! I'm turnin' into freakin' Angel!"

Massaging his bruised throat, Giles felt an immediate, and perfect, reply come to his lips, but pushed it back.

{I can't. Dawn clings to him like a security blanket. If I push him too far and he does hurt me... or, God please forbid it, turn me, Dawn will never forgive him and she needs the stability... Oh, to hell with it. Dawn will have Willow, Tara and the others...and I've wanted to use this line for years.}

"I know Angel. I consider myself a friend of Angel's, and let me tell you... you are no Angel."

Smiling viciously, fangs gleaming in the pale light, Spike slammed Giles back the inch or two the smaller man had moved away from the wall, holding him in place by the chin.

"That was all I needed. Won't you ever learn to shut your mouth? Hard as it is, I'm gonna bleed you anyway... let your buddies try and catch me."

Ever so slowly, Spike leaned in close to Giles neck, nuzzling and barely nipping with his fangs, trying to prolong the moments before he fed, desiring a higher plateau of fear that would make the meal sweeter. Giles obliged, terror flooding his body with adrenaline, but within moments another, equally intense reaction added its two cents to the mix and the would-be victim groaned almost inaudibly, praying Spike would get it over with before he died of shame and disgust.

%Your cruel device, your blood like ice one look could kill, my pain, your thrill...%

{I'm not ready to face this yet, damn it, I'm not! God of the stupidity prone, if you'll just make him sink into the floor, make him lighter than air... anything, I will swear eternal allegiance.}

The watcher keened inwardly as he felt Spike's large hand snake between their bodies to discover the evidence of Giles' arousal. {Shit! The universe just couldn't give me that kind of good karma when I really need it...}

Abruptly, the oppressive aura of violence and rage the vamp had built up burst like a soap bubble and his attitude did an instant 180 degree turn-around.

"What the hell..."

"If you're going to turn me, do it now!" he shouted, one hand coming up to cover his eyes. "Please, God, do it now... after this I have no reason to live any longer anyway. I'll be the laughingstock of Sunnydale... I'd rather cut the Master's toenails..." he mumbled more softly.

Instead of complying, Spike braced his hands on either side of Rupert's head, leaned back in and whispered in the other's ear.

"Nope. Don't think so, Rupert. Tell me... what did it, hmmm? Was it the fangs, or me bein' so close? Probly the fangs... How long have you wanted, me, ducks? How long have you been dreaming of me wrapping my hands... and my lips around that sweet-meat between your legs? Tell me..."

A rage of his own boiling up inside him now, Giles laid his hands against Spike's chest and pushed him away.

%You come on strong with a great big smile but your teeth are as sharp as a crocodile.

You promise me the moon and the stars and the sun but you never did nothin' for anyone...

There used to be a time when you were the best, you had the fastest tongue in the West.

You gave a look and a line like nobody else. You'd try to sell the Bible to the devil himself...%

"Excuse me? Is that any way to respond to a properly begun intimate proposal?"

"Get out! Stop laughing at me and get out."

"Who said I was laughing?"

"You must be balmy! Spike not taking advantage of a clear opportunity to humiliate me... it wouldn't be Spike."

Gracefully, slowly, his expression so solemn and un-Spike like that Giles felt a million and one doubts and questions suddenly assault him, the vampire moved back close to the older man until their noses were touching, and spoke so softly that Rupert had to strain to hear him.

"You're right. But... I'm not always Spike... and I'm... not... laughing."

"Stop... if your intent is to make a fool of me... please stop."

Spike kissed him lightly on the forehead. The watcher's eyes slipped closed and shivering began to rack his entire frame until he was sure his body was about to shake apart at the joints.

***I'm dressed in black, I'm a heart attack and my draw is lightnin' quick

If you're lookin' for a man with magic hands I can really do the trick.

If someone's givin' you trouble, I'll be there on the double,  
Just call me on the line.

I got a muscle I can flex that'll fog your little specs 'till you think you're goin blind...***

"I told you it isn't. Can I touch you again? Let me touch you... just once, hmmm? Please?"

"No... God, I can't let this happen..." Giles mumbled, his words utterly unconvincing, even to his own ears, the skin of his face and hands suddenly chilled as blood rushed away from them and sent its heat elsewhere.

"Yeah, you can. It's alright to want it... need it. A man gets lonely, tired of pleasurin' himself... someone else, even a pain in the hindquarters like me, can make it better. Let loose watcher-boy. Let go... and lemme make it better..."

%I used to be so in control but reality is losing its hold.  
Now, I don't know where to begin Just look at the state that I'm in My mind is in total decay%

***I'm coming to take you away..."***

"Please... no... God help me, please... don't..." Giles whispered, even as his body took control and settled the argument, surrendering and relaxing into the easy caresses and slow movements of a willing pair of hands.

"Relax... That's it. This is good... I hate the jeans with millions of buttons and a snap and... supposed to be fashion... when you're hot an' bothered... they're just frustratin'. No tightie whities? You little scamp you... let's see, now... Holy mother of... you really got somethin' here don't ya? Hardly get my fingers around it... Never woulda' guessed." Spike chuckled, freeing his hand despite Giles soft protest noises. "S'alright, luv. Easy, now. Decisions must be made." he murmured, stepping away to allow Giles freedom of movement.

Giles immediately took the offer and strode several steps into the room, breathing heavily and holding his jeans closed with one hand.

"I... don't understand."

"It's like that insipid game show... Who Wants to Be, ya know? I ask a question, ya clear your head and think on it, then give me a final answer."

"Ask. Just a warning, I'm very well read."

"Cute, sweets, real cute. Look, your body's beggin for it, but any man's would after all this time by his lonesome. I won't go forward on a blush an' a tingle. Your million dollar question is... what do you want?"

Standing with his back turned to Spike, Giles worked frantically to clear the lust fog from his brain and logically analyze the past few minutes of his life. Once he was able to think, the answer seemed obvious, but he knew it wouldn't end up being that simple.

He'd been rejecting this growing part of him, rejecting himself, for over a year and a half and, until five minutes ago, acceptance had still seemed unattainable; un-crossable light-years away.

Until five minutes ago.

Slowly, he faced Spike, gazed intently into his eyes for a long moment, then moved past him and up the stairs.

"Hey. A, B, C or D?"

Pausing near the top, Giles cleared a suddenly tight, dry throat and spoke.

"This is all the answer I can give you, for now at least. Coming?"

Grinning, Spike shook his head a little and sauntered after Giles, finding he was eagerly anticipating the hours ahead.

TBC...  



	2. Chapter 2

Part two:

Reaching the bedroom a minute or so ahead of Spike, Rupert stood in the center of the room, his expression lost and frightened. The warning voice that he usually counted on to keep him safe in truly awful, deadly situations suddenly spoke up.

^What on God's green earth do you think you're doing Rupert Anthony Giles?^

He listened for a moment then shut it off. He had no real idea of what he was doing. He only knew that admitting that to himself would inevitably lead to him backing away from something his body obviously needed and wanted... and from the thoughts, feelings and fantasies he could no longer avoid investigating, even if the catalyst had to be Spike.

%I want to love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)  
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop I want to kiss you but I want it too much (too much)  
I want to taste you but your lips are venemous poison...%

^Or is it... especially if it's Spike?^ a new, darkly disturbing voice whispered from unexplored caverns at the bottom of his mind. He crushed that one much faster and far more savagely than he had the previous one. There were some possibilities he might never be ready to face...

As Spike entered and laid his hands on the Watcher's shoulders, images from past daydreams were floating through Giles' mind; Xander... Wesley... Riley... Angel...  
When he realized Spike was speaking to him, he reluctantly pulled out of his reveries.

"Sorry. I was... pondering. What was that you said?"

"I said that there's one last question you need to answer. It's vital you be honest with me, yeh? No fibbin' or fudgin'. This is important."

"Go on."

"Have ya been on this roller-coaster before... or only thought about buyin' a ticket?"

Giles tried to speak up quickly, not ashamed of the answer, but found his throat suddenly too constricted to allow the words freedom. His silence was all the response Spike needed.

"S'okay, luv. We all have a first, don't we? Some of us are just lucky enough to get two. What say... we get these gone, hmmm?" he purred, reaching around Giles' waist from behind and slowly tugging his jeans down over his hips.

Startled, the other pulled away a little.

"No! I mean... I'm sorry. Would you mind if I..."

" 'Course not. Next time or the time after... you'll beg me to strip ya. That's a vow."

"Yes, well... not, I think, today..." Rupert mumbled, trying in vain to keep his hands from shaking badly enough that Spike would notice.

"Don't bother, luv. I shook the first time, too. Natural. 'Sides, I can hear your heart and breathin' runnin' like a freight train. Give you away, they do. Tell ya what. You get outta the clothes, I'm gonna go throw these sheets and such in the wash and get clean ones."

Fingers fumbling and missing their grip on edges of clothing, Rupert finally, after several minutes, managed to divest himself of jeans and shirt. Spike remained silent, using the task of making the bed to keep his normally rebellious tongue under control, knowing any of the lewd, but appropriate, comments he wanted to make might scare his potential partner into abandoning the day's entertainments completely. He wasn't about to risk that when a mystery he'd wondered about for a long while was his to solve at last.

***First we're gonna kiss, then we're gonna say dirty little words only lovers say.  
Rockin' through the night, rollin' on the floor,  
when they hear us screamin' they'll be breakin down the door..."***

"Take a seat, now... that's right, just on the end of the bed here." Spike instructed, swiftly losing his own clothes and moving to kneel at the other mans feet. "Relax, okay? This is gonna be sweet. You're in for the experience of your life, I guarantee it. You and me are gonna rock the fuckin' planet off its foundations, I can just tell. Ease up... open the knees for me... let me at that beast again. You want me to touch you, Rupert. Don't let your damn head overrule your body... you need this... that's the way. Righhht... Good. Lord, what a monster... the things I can show you, luv, you've never imagined in your wildest fantasies... I can't wait. For now, though... beginners level..."

One hand on either side of Rupert's semi-erect prick, Spike began stroking up and down, alternating gentle caresses with fast, almost rough movements until he knew the other was close to orgasm, then squeezing firmly at the base, easing the urgent need for release. He moved through this cycle twice more before he was ready to finish. "No stopping this time, W-B. Let go. Yell and scream for it, luv. C'mon. Quit holdin back! Open your mouth, damn it!"

"I... I can't..."

"You know the words. Say em! Drop the fuckin' Brit reserve and ask for what ya want!"

%I used to be so in control...%

Chin to his chest, neck muscles corded, Giles tried with every ounce of strength he had to keep his head on straight, but, as it had done downstairs, his body won the day, severing and burning the communication lines to his logic circuits and giving his mouth free reign.

"Don't stop... if you stop now... I'll hunt you down...and stake you... then... resurrect you... and do it again... Ahhhhh! Hurry! I have to come... please... faster...!"

"There ya go. Good man. Here it comes... feel it, luv? Gimme all of it... show me somethin'... that's it... lift up... let your body do what it wants to..."

When Rupert finally began to orgasm, it was so powerful that his body vibrated faintly, head to toe, for nearly five minutes after it faded. Sighing out a decidedly shaky breath, he lifted the elbows he'd been supporting himself on and dropped onto his back, panting with exhaustion and filled with wonder.

"You alright?"

"Must be... a better word than that... amazed, stunned, astounded, stupefied..."

"Then we're pleased."

"Quite."

"Good. Haven't lost my touch. Ready to move on, luv?"

"Give me... one second to... catch my breath... then, yes."

"When you're ready, slide up and get your head on the pillows. Now that the urgency is outta the way... we can play a little... and take our time about it."

"One rule?" Rupert requested as his breathing eased and he moved back toward the head of the bed.

"Only one? Expected about a hundred outta you before we even got started. Yeah. Okay. What?" he agreed, crawling after him.

"No biting. You keep your... other needs under strict control. What you were doing earlier... downstairs, obviously some part of me... I mean, I liked..."

"An' I like the part of you that liked it. Reasonable request, I suppose. You got it. Nibblin', nippin' an' lickin' of the neck are alright... but no drinkin'. That all?"

"What? Oh. Yes. I believe that should be..."

Abruptly, Spike was inches from Rupert's face again, sliding his glasses off and placing them gently on the night table. The vampire held Giles' attention unwaveringly, seeming to be trying to feed the watcher some of his own intensity through their locked gazes.

"No, luv. You're slidin' back into your safe little world a'books and words. I don't want you there. I want you here with me, drownin' in sensation... an' want an' need, until the words leave you an' all you can do is moan... scream... cry... an' beg. Are you here, now, Rupert? Truly here?" Spike almost whispered, his ice blue eyes darkening with the effort of keeping Rupert in touch with his body's needs instead of retreating into his head.

"Yes. I'm here. I... I'm here."

"Every touch, every stroke should be sharp an' clean. You should be feelin' it down to your toenails." Spike told him, as he began stroking an lightly pinching the other's nipples. "Do ya?" he asked, purring seductively a bare millimeter from Rupert's right ear.

"Mmmmm... and back... that is so good..."

"That's the way, luv... tell me where to touch you... tell me how ya want it to feel... where is it sensitive, hmmmm? Besides here, I mean..." he growled softly, vamping just for a moment to nip the hot spot on the watchers neck he'd discovered earlier.

"Ahhhh! Not... not yet... too soon..."

"I know, sweets. Just teasin' is all. Let's try this."

Sliding down a few inches, Spike applied his tongue and lips to the others' chest, his fingers caressing slowly from Rupert's hips up to his ribcage and back down. When the Watcher's hand curled around the back of his head and tangled in his short blond tresses, Spike pulled away for a brief moment to grin up at the older man, then returned to his work.

"N... noone's ever done this for me... to me...in... incredible..."

" 'Tis that." the vamp chuckled, wriggling down farther to attack his lovers' navel with restrained ferocity, licking, suckling and tugging gently with his human teeth on the remnant of birth cord as he would have a woman's most tender flesh. Giles' immediate reaction was to groan loudly and arch his back. "Yeahhhh... that's what I've been waitin' for... for you to show me how bad you need this. Time for me to play boa constrictor, is it? Time for me to unhinge the jaw and do some swallowin'?"

A few moments later, Rupert felt cool moist puffs of breath on his inner thigh. Inexplicably, he sensed an alarm switch flip in his brain, terror flooded his body and he clamped his legs together.

"Rupe?"

"I'm sorry... I... I don't know why... what to do... I'm frightened... Oh, shit..." he cried, squeezing his eyes shut, which forced a tear or two down his cheeks. Spike was kneeling at his side in a flash.

"What's up, luv? You were more a wild child in your youth than I ever was in mine. You're no virgin, at least not to a good tongue-lashin'. We both know that. What's to be afraid of?"

"Haven't a bloody clue."

Stroking Rupert's face lightly, Spike relaxed him and brought him down with touch and soft words.

"Let it happen, then. You want me to do it... you know you do. I'm a master at it. Ask Angel someday. I can make you scream in so many different ways... you do want this, don't ya? You want me to hit every hot spot on that massive brute of a prick three times over... until you blow harder than the first time. I know you want this... ya want me... Tell me how much..."

"Right now... more than life itself, but I don't know if I can..."

"Shut your eyes, ducks. I'll fix this. See if I don't."

Starting at the feet and moving up, Spike slowly began to soothe the fear-induced tension out of Rupert's lower body with firm massage. Within ten minutes, the watcher's face bore a calm smile and his knees had fallen open. "Better?"

"Much. Look, I'm..."

"Hush. I gotta concentrate..."

Realizing the other's fear could return at any moment, Spike kept every move he made gentle and slow, until Rupert's cries and moans told him pleasure had overcome panic. At that moment, he vamped for the final push, wanting all his senses heightened, and was delighted to discover that the Watcher's prick just fit between his fangs. Slowly at first, then speeding up as they both got closer, Spike slid his extended canines up and back, alternately licking and sucking, until Rupert screamed incoherently and exploded in his mouth, bucking his hips up over and over.

Finally, Spike released him, crawling up until they were face to face and falling on the watcher's mouth for a fiery, sixty second kiss that left them both stunned and panting.

"Told ya you'd scream for me. Know what? Fear sweetens blood. I've always known that, but I just got clued in... sweetens somethin' else too." he informed Rupert with a wicked grin.

"Is that what I taste?" he replied, tentatively licking his lips.

"Yah. It on a freakin stick, ain't it?"

"Hmm. Yes."

"You ready to play the final chukker, here? I won't push. The day's been marvelous so far. Ya don't have to. I wanna show ya everything... but ya don't have to."

Staring up into eyes he had never conceived he'd be seeing from this position unless he were about to be killed or turned, Rupert breathed deeply a few times, smiled lightly and gave Spike the answer his heart and body were begging him to give, tying a mental gag around his common sense and better judgment.

"There's a... jar of petroleum jelly... in the bathroom down the hall."

" 'Kay, luv. Be right back."

Alone with his thoughts for a few moments, Rupert found a favorite song lyric running around his brain. He marveled how the words seemed right for this moment, even speaking to his long denial of what... who, he was.

%Try to walk away, when I see the time I've wasted.  
Starving at a feast, and all this wine I've never tasted...%

When Spike strolled back into the bedroom with the jelly, Rupert sat up, suddenly wondering if he would survive the last phase of his "education". His hands fiddled idly with a loose thread on the bedspread, his eyes remained glued to his hands.

"Hey, you. Still with me?"

"What? Yes. I'm... definitely still here." he replied distractedly, unable to look up, unable to face what Spike held and the implications of it.

"Look at me, Rupert. Meet my eyes an' do it right this minute, ya hear?" the vampire commanded, not with any real anger, but in a tone that clearly said no was unacceptable.

Though it confused and, strangely, saddened him, the watcher heard his father in that tone of voice and responded as he always had; he sat up straight, placed his hands in view and did as he'd been told. "Better. You're afraid, yeah?"

"Of course I am. Fear of the pain, fear of losing control... fear of disappointing you." he replied, the last said so quietly that Spike immediately asked for a repeat performance.

"No. Come out with it. I want to know."

"It isn't important. Not really..."

Again, Rupert felt his chin grasped firmly, his hazel eyes held fast by two chips of cool summer sky that were rapidly deepening to a shade reminiscent of the Caribbean seen from above.

"If you thought enough of it to speak it... then it is important... and I want to hear it."

%... Yeah, it's only, only, only, only my heart talkin,  
sayin' things I never thought I'd say.  
Can't you hear me knockin'?  
Tried to fool you, but it wouldn't play cause my heart was talkin'.  
Yeah it's talkin', baby it's talkin', talkin' to you...%

"I... I said I'm afraid of... letting you down. I don't want to... damn." he finally sighed, his brow furrowing in a mild frown.

"Is disappoint the word you're searchin' for?"

"Yes, damn it."

"Lord. So that's what's kept you so well and truly stuck in a Scotch bottle for the past three weeks. You think you failed her."

"Are we doing this or not, damn it? Before Dawn gets here I still have to clean and grocery shop..." the Watcher groused, making motions as if he were going to get up. Hands on Rupert's knees, Spike let loose his demon just enough to access a little extra strength and effectively pinned the other man to the bed.

"Saying that makes ya feel better, does it?"

"It seems to. Damn it, damn it, damn it!"

"Okay. Got that out of your system, now? Good, 'cause it seems you got somethin' foul and dirty and untrue messin' up that human soul a'yours, and you clean nothin'... 'till ya clean that."

"Don't do this. You have no right..."

"I do so. I won't be responsible for you crawlin' back into a black hole the minute I leave here. You were her protector, her truth teller when the truth was ugly and nasty and she didn't wanna hear it... and now it looks like I gotta be yours. You didn't let her down, luv. The minute she climbed that tower, she wasn't yours to let down... nor mine either. She never was really. She belonged to somethin'... beyond all of us. They took her back... that's all. She did what needed doin' an' the rest of us are still here, able to mourn her, remember her... an' move on to what comes next."

"And that is?"

"Up t'you. It comes down to the same question, don't it? What do you want?"

"Last night... I was so damned tired and depressed... and lost. I just wanted it all to stop being so bloody... painful."

"An' now?"

"Now. Now is... good. Better at any rate. It's still too damn, bloody painful..."

"I know."

Reaching out slowly, Spike stroked a hand down Rupert's face, brushing away the tears that hung there. "Can I help? Can you let me take it away for a while?"

Raising his eyes to Spike's, Rupert smiled gratefully and nodded.

"God in heaven, yes. Please..."

"Feel like helpin' me get ready?"

Again, his partner nodded, less confidently this time. "Good. Take your time. This ain't somethin' you rush through. Start slow an' easy... yeah... not bad, W-B. Firm up the grip a bit... better... a little harder now... stroke the vein... mmmm... you do learn quickly, luv... "

"You'll have to tell me when to stop. I don't want to push too far."

"You can tell that... all by yourself...eyes open, sweets... when my... nads start to draw up a little... ease off..."

The promised signal came ten minutes later. Rupert backed off of the stimulation and, smiling gently in response, the vampire guided the older man onto his back again and slipped the thickest pillow available under his hips. Opening the jar, he drew out a small amount of the yellow substance on one finger.

%I hear you callin' and it's needles and pins (and pins)%

***I want to hurt you just to hear you screamin' my name***

%Don't want to touch you but you're under my skin (deep in)  
I want to kiss you but your lips are venemous poison...%

"You need to relax as much as ya can, here, luv. The cooler you can stay... the easier this'll be. Just one finger... shouldn't hurt... feels good, yeah? That's the way... stay calm... an' cool."

"It feels... bizarre... unreal..."

"Trust me," he assured him as he slid a second finger in, "in a minute it's gonna get incredibly real... you're stretchin' out nicely... don't tense up on me, darlin, alright...one more finger... an' you'll be ready for me..."

"No, I... don't... it won't work... God, it burns..."

"That'll stop soon... here we come... third one... good... almost home... just a tad more stretchin' out..."

"Ahhhhh... please stop... take them out! The pain..."

"I am, luv, I am. You're ready now. Ready for me. I promise I'll do this slow...just a little bit... a little way inside."

Some part of Spike intensely disliked the pain he knew he was causing his lover, but the greater part only knew the pleasure and would not allow him to back away. Despite Rupert's shouts and cries for relief, Spike kept up a slow, constant pressure until the head of his cock popped past the ring of muscle and into the tight, dark space beyond. He held still for a few moments, allowing the other man to become accustomed to the strange sensation, then began thrusting slowly in and back out, a inch or two deeper with each forward movement, until he was fully seated within the watchers body.

%I'm crossing the line in my brain,  
the line between pleasure and pain.

It takes all I've got to survive.  
This madness will eat me alive...%

To Rupert, it seemed an eternity and more before the pain retreated and his nerve endings began to register that something even faintly pleasurable was happening to his body. From clenched teeth and hands full of the sheets beneath him, he gradually moved to open mouthed gasping, hands stroking his lover's back in slow, random patterns, occasionally gripping hard enough to draw a tiny rivulet of blood.

%Yeah we're gonna fight, we do it every night%.

***Baby when you scratch, you know I'm gonna bite***

%You can make me die.%

***I can make you cry***

%Opposites attract, that's the reason why...%

***Noone else could make you feel like I do Noone ever gets as deep inside you, as I do baby...***

Sensing the Watcher had at last moved beyond the pain, Spike began to speed up his movements. With a soft growl of delight, he vamped and began to nibble and lick his lovers' neck. Moments later, both fell over the edge into intense orgasms, one crying out his triumph in meaningless sounds, the other close behind, shouting a single word.

"Willlliam!"

More than an hour later, Spike finally found the energy to slip carefully and gently out of his new lover. For several minutes he lay on his back, eyes closed, trying to stay quiet and not wake Rupert, but hearing him stir, he spoke softly.

"Crikey... and mothers' giblet gravy as well. Not much could top this day. I knew we'd toss the world about a bit, but that..."

Rupert sighed and began to slowly sit up, but Spike stopped him and pushed him back down.

"Hold on a mo', 'kay? Lemme see... shit. As I thought. You're bleedin' a bit. Stay there 'till I come back with a cold compress, yeh? You'll be sore for a few days, I'd wager."

Gazing at Spike as he rose from the tangle of bedclothes, utterly unselfconscious about of his state of undress, Rupert felt his cock twitch, wanting to begin the game anew, but desire was swiftly overruled by a deep flash of pain from elsewhere.

"It was well worth it... I can feel the change...I did need this... something or someone to prove to me my heart was still beating. Since Buffy... I've been half alive. Not even that most days. You were right. I... I think you've saved my life that night. Saved it then and gave it back to me today. Thank you."

"Yeah, well, we do what we can, don't we? Stay down. I'll be right back."

"Spike?"

"What?" the vampire responded in mild irritation. "Can't it wait two minutes for God's sake?"

"I'm... I'm sorry. I just had a thought. If I could top today, what would you say?"

"We'll see, that's what I say. I'll hear ya out when I get back."

True to his word, it was less than two minutes before Spike returned with a cold damp cloth and applied it to the injury he'd caused. Rupert gasped at the temperature, but didn't push it away. "So? What's this genius dirty idea?"

"Good Lord that's cold! Well... afterwards... I couldn't help thinking of someone... two someone's. That's no insult to you, I promise. I just... damn it. It's too hard to explain."

"We're not starting that again."

A laugh bubbling from him suddenly, Rupert smiled.

"No. No more multiples of curse words. Don't need it anymore."

"Right. So, someone who? I've always lusted for redheads, but witchy woman stepped over the line in the other direction. Anya's a hottie..."

"Not them... not the ladies."

Spike's smile widened and he repeated the question.

"Ohhhh. Someone who?"

"Xander... and Wesley. I considered Angel, but he'd never..."

"Not anymore. Did once, all the time. He and I were well suited that way... a long time ago. Now, he snarls if I even mention it in 'is presence. So. Wimpy Woossy Puke an' the geek. Weird choices, but..."

"You wouldn't think so if you'd bothered to look at Xander's upper body lately. Wesley... he's simply hotter than a ten foot high bonfire during an August heat wave...in hell."

"We all have our opinions, luv. Don't see it myself, but... How about Cap'n Cardboard? He due home soon?"

"Don't know. I can find out."

"Do. Now there's a pretty specimen. Tall, dark and muscles out to eternity. I'd give up nearly as much for an evenin' with him... as I did for a day with you."

"You mean you gave up more than... heh, the obvious." Rupert had tossed back lightly, before he remembered that laughing at Spike was never a good idea. The vamp hardly seemed to notice, however.

***"... sayin' things I never thought I'd say.  
Can't you hear me knockin'?  
Tried to fool you, but it wouldn't play cause my heart was talkin'..."***

"I gave up Spike tonight, ya silly git. I never... get that, never, show anyone who I used to be... the man only Drusilla knew. Buffy too, those last few weeks... but not as much. She never let me close enough for her to see it. Couldn't... reconcile the changes, I suppose."

"Yes. I did sense that... conflict in her. Just as she was beginning to trust you..."

"Yeah. In the words of a wise man; damn it."

"I like the other side of you, and I'm very honored to have met him, but... if I might? I don't think that's precisely who was here today. It felt more like a combination, Spike's confidence, charisma and power melded into... the other's compassion and heart."

"You can use the name, now... I guess. Still detest it, but comin' outta your mouth... it's a little less nauseatin'. You're right, ya know? If you'd shut down and backed off a cock-suckin' on Spike he would have slapped ya unconscious and taken ya anyway. William woulda fainted at the blood. Somewhere in the middle, then."

"A compromise?"

"Yeh. A compromise." he murmured quietly, removing the now warm cloth. "You can try sittin up, now. Slow an' easy."

As he cautiously pushed into a sitting position, Rupert turned a curious gaze on his new lover.

"Could you live in the world as that compromise? It made you exactly what I needed today. Neither side on its own would have seen me through this... life-affirming experience intact. It could only make you a better father to Dawn. The rest of us who care for her could certainly live with it."

"Don't know. I'll hafta see. Could be worth a try. Well, what say we go shower, hmmm?." William suggested, lifting Rupert slowly onto his feet and supporting him until he could walk more easily.

"Yes. A shower is a must for us both. Tell me it isn't this painful the second time?"

" Not usually, luv. Unless ya get someone really... shit. I didn't think this out..."

"What?"

"I ain't received in a few decades... and you're a bit... bigger than average, sweets. Angel-boy, he wasn't near your... well. We'll burn that bridge when we come to it, won't we?"

"It's alright. By the time I'm ready..."

"True, true. You an' me might work after all, ducks. Jus' might."

TBC... 


End file.
